One of the first lessons I received when learning to fly fish was confidence. "You've got to have confidence in that fly, in yourself," Jacob's words have remained with me all these years. It's why I fish certain patterns, choose long casts over short rolls and why I move through the water the way I do. It's all about where my confidence lies.
It's a funny thing when you lose your confidence. Perhaps you've spent some time off the water or had one too many bad trips. Maybe it was caused by a harsh word or unfounded judgment by a fellow angler. Then again it may have just disappeared and you have no idea how it happened.
For a while now my life has been filled with surgery, doctor's visits, high water, and more doctor's visits, with strict orders to stay out of the rivers and off the mountains. My body became fatigued during the process and my mind weak, resulting in a catastrophic lack of confidence.
I waded through the river clumsily, casting aggressively and poorly. Being back on the river made everything feel heightened, raw and exposed. I became frustrated and angry. Angry at a body that had let me down and a mind that I couldn't seem to calm.
It's hard to find your confidence when it's lost. You look under rocks and sit on downed trees, hoping it'll pop up and say "Here I am!" But, that's usually not how it goes.
As dusk turned into the dark I kept fishing to the sound of rises, hoping one would take, just one, that's all I needed. I noticed a firefly blink beside me and turned around to hundreds of blinking lights all around me. Sitting in the sand, lights all around me, the sound of feeding fish it finally hit me. Just being here is enough and it's all the confidence I need, it's only fishing after all.
